


Dear Clarke

by SydneyRaineOfficial



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Angst, Letters, Post Praimfaya, Survivor Guilt, assumed death, dear diary, spacekru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:47:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29934321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SydneyRaineOfficial/pseuds/SydneyRaineOfficial
Summary: After his best friend sacrifices her own life so that he would live, Bellamy tries to honor her last request by using his head as well as his heart.  With no comfortable way to process everything that has happened in his life, he tries to make sense of it all by writing letters to Clarke.
Relationships: Abby Griffin/Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Kudos: 7





	Dear Clarke

Dear Clarke,  
I am writing this as a way for me to make some kind of sense with all the bullshit in my head. I know I’ll never have clear reasons for so much that happened, but I’ll always have clear memories. At least I hope I do. I guess that’s why I’m writing this; in case I begin to forget. I never want to forget a single thing from my time on Earth with you and our crazy band of delinquents.   
Did you know that they called us Mom and Dad? Monty told me about that over a cup of fermented algae. Talk about some foul tasting moonshine! But it does its job nicely. Sometimes, I need to stop thinking. Not forget, just stop for a minute; that almost always means algae-shine. Monty swears he will have a better name for it before we go back home.   
You’d never believe Murphy up here. He’s actually still a complete dick but I can see through him. He’s just scared, like the rest of us. There are no imminent threats to any of us right now (unless boredom actually does kill), but we brought enough nightmares with us to last a few lifetimes.   
It’s a blessing and a curse to remember so much. Like I remember when I found you tied up in that underground train station. That’s the day I met Roan for the first time. Such a great first impression he left on me, right? At least he didn’t hit any arteries or important nerves. Anyway… That’s the kind of thing that was a blessing and a curse for me. I got to see you again, finally, after so many days apart worrying if you were okay, if you were still alive. The way your eyes lit up when I rounded the pillar and saw your face. That was a blessing. Of course Clarke and Bellamy wouldn’t be us (Monte calls us ‘Bellarke’ which was Jasper’s nickname for us) if there wasn’t that curse along with it. I got to see you again, but I also had to lose you. Again. Seems like that’s the way it went all of the time huh?   
Everything that was given to us got taken away.   
There was no good without bad or light without the dark.   
That’s the thing I hated the most about our time on Earth. I wished that fate or God or Mother Earth or whoever was in control would’ve let us have a few good months filled with nothing but sunshine, laughter, and love. I think that moment when Praimfaya took you away from me was the moment I stopped believing in the Gods. There is no way a deity of any sort would think the world would be a better place without you in it.   
For the first few weeks up here, we were all too stunned to really accomplish much more than making sure we ate and slept occasionally. Many hours have been spent looking down on a planet on fire. I think I now know what Dante’s Inferno looked like.   
I think we all tried to imagine what it must’ve been like for you. First, watching our shuttle take off and then staying at the tower to make sure we would survive up here. In a way, I guess there’s a small piece of me that is almost glad you didn’t make it back to the lab in time to seal the doors. We’d packed all the rations so it would’ve been absolute torture for you to starve to death, all alone. At least God wasn’t cruel about it.  
Raven has been trying to fix the radio so we can contact the bunker, but she says the radiation fields are blocking the signal. I’d give anything to hear my sister’s voice again. That would be one of those blessings. The curse happens when I would have to tell your mother that I abandoned you in Hell. I guess silence is my punishment for being too cowardly to want to make that call.   
Raven’s been teaching Emori things with the computers. Murphy isn’t terribly happy about it, but when is he terribly happy about anything? I’ve been watching and I think I know why he’s not liking their friendship. I still see the guilt on his face every time he looks at Raven. He knows she wouldn’t be in that brace if it wasn’t for him. I think he’s afraid Raven will tell Emori all about it and she’ll end up hating him as much as he thinks the rest of the world does.   
It’s a little strange the things you notice when you use your head to observe things around you. Maybe you weren’t so smart after all? Maybe you just paid attention better than the rest of us?   
Harper spent the first few weeks showing Echo and Emori all around the leftovers of the ring. It’s missing a lot, but she found your prison cell. So that was fun yeah? But really though, the lockup is still there and we actually did find your cell. Your name isn’t on it anywhere but there were drawings all over the walls and floor. I’d recognize a Clarke Griffin original anywhere. Every now and then one of us wanders down there to sit on your old cot and talk to you. Sometimes I can almost hear you answer. It still amazes me how accurate some of your drawings were even though you hadn’t been to Earth yet.   
Not really… Nothing about you surprises me and everything amazes me.  
I think one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with up here is Echo. I thought you were crazy when you insisted on bringing her to the lab. But you didn’t even think about it because that’s how kind your soul was.   
Is.   
She’s helped scavenge the entire station, sealed off areas we’ll never use in order to conserve resources, and decided she wanted to learn how to read and write. I admit I wasn’t very nice to her at first. After all, she tried to kill my sister and was part of the Mount Weather attack that killed so many of our people. I resented the fact that she was alive but you weren’t. Gina was gone but Echo was here.   
One night, I fell asleep and had the most incredible dream. You and I were by the river, the one with the big snake that tried to eat Octavia. We had a red and white-checkered blanket and a wicker basket filled with food and wine. It was something our ancestors called a picnic. We didn’t really talk about anything in particular. Instead, we laughed and cried while listing all of the things we’d done and seen down there.   
You let out this loud belly laugh, it startled me, and said “Remember that time Murphy came back to the drop ship with his germs and tried to kill us all?”   
I laughed with you and nodded. “He didn’t mean it though.”  
“Yeah, well you still wanted to kill him. Why didn’t you?” The laughter had left your face and that crinkle between your eyebrows replaced it.  
I didn’t even have to think about my answer. “You said you believed in second chances. And I believed in you.”  
You shrugged and nodded your head with a smile before abruptly changing the subject.   
After that, every time I looked at Echo, I could hear you whispering in my ear that everyone deserved a second chance. Well, I’d already given her one by not killing her for what she’d done. And then I thought ‘What would Clarke do?’ Well I don’t have to be a genius to know you would’ve talked to her. You would’ve treated her like a human being and given her a chance to be your friend. After all, we were short on options up here, right?  
You were right.   
Again.   
Eventually, we started to become friends. She even sat down and told me some of the Greek and Roman myths that had been passed down through Azgeda bards. I’ll never forget the night we were sitting under the sky bridge and it felt like we were alone, floating in the stars.   
She pointed toward a constellation and said “That one is Athena.”  
Of course I knew who Athena was, she was a badass, good looking goddess!  
“That’s Clarke,” she added.   
I held my breath for a few seconds, trying to figure out what she meant by that.   
“Don’t you know who Athena is?” she asked.  
“Athena was the Goddess of Wisdom,” I replied with a small smile. I could easily imagine you in white robes with a golden circlet, golden sandals, and an owl at your constant side.  
Echo laughed at me. She laughed!  
“Athena was the Goddess of Wisdom, yes. But she was also the Goddess of Reason, Intelligence, Warfare, and Defense. Probably more that I can’t remember right now. THAT is Clarke. And she is right there.” Echo punctuated her statement by pointing at the constellation again. “She’s never far away from you Bellamy. Not unless you let her leave.”  
Every breath in my body turned to tears and I angrily told myself out loud that I would NEVER forget you.  
Echo smiled, wiped my tears away and gathered me into her arms. “No one will ever forget Clarke Griffin.”  
I hope she was right. So far, she has been.   
No one will ever replace you Clarke.   
You’ll always be my best friend, watching from the stars above.   
You saved my life so that I could live and make sure the world knows about the almighty sacrifice you made so that we could survive. I am finally learning what it means to love with my heart AND my head.   
I love you Clarke Griffin.   
I’ll see you in my dreams.  
Love For An Eternity,  
Bell


End file.
